What the Deuce? Woman Cited for Pooping Behind Canby Store

Pull up a stool and pop a squat, because we have a story to tell. And no — we are not shitting you.

A woman and an older man were cited by Canby police last month for publicly consuming alcohol in the parking lot of a local retail establishment. Oh — did I forget to mention? The woman also took a dump outside the store, which is why we’re not naming it.

This particular store has an outdoor area with trees and grass where employees take their breaks, and this is where the…incident went down.

At least four or five people saw the presumed couple — though the man was estimated to be in his 50s, and the woman in her early 20s. They were drinking copious amounts of Hamm’s beer, which somehow feels like the exact perfect beer for them to have been drinking.

One witness said the two were being “loud and obnoxious,” and she notified management that there was an issue. She said there have been several occasions lately with homeless people passing through and harassing employees on lunch or break back there, so this incident was not really unusual. Yet.

“One employee looked over at just the wrong moment and saw something he never wants to see again, and he has seen some nasty stuff,” she said. “I actually sat down on the bench directly across from the couple in an effort to drive them away, and there was no signs of remorse from the pooper. I was shocked at her boldness.”

When police arrived, the man claimed to have a medical condition and seemed to know “exactly what to say” to law enforcement, according to witnesses. They were given the citations and asked to leave the property, a process known as being “trespassed.”

Neither has been seen or heard from since, but that hasn’t helped alleviate the lingering feelings of discomfort and disgust that the incident created.

“This was the ’employees only’ area,” one witness said. “It’s supposed to be their place outside the business to relax on their breaks. It’s disappointing to be greeted by someone using it as a toilet.”

The employees weren’t sure what happened to the, uh, “evidence” of the woman’s scatological escapades, but they assume that vile job fell to Canby’s finest. (“Hey Chief? When you said this job requires you to get your hands dirty, we never thought this was what you meant…”)

The woman has not been identified, and we’re hoping her reign of turd terror is short-lived. But, if she does strike again, you know the fearless journalists at the Canby Now Podcast will be there to help…flush her out.

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